Thursday, June 16, 2016

Four Things Your Dad Really Wants

What does the Dad in your life want for Father's Day?
What does the man in your life want for Father's Day?  Probably sex.
With Father's Day just around the corner, the Hubs has been sending me subtle hints about what he wants for this father of all holidays.  I thought for sure that he would choose something from my fabulous Gift Guide, but alas it seems that the only things he wants involves me having to be naked and awake; specifically sex.  This got me thinking about how different the wish list is between Mother's Day and Father's Day.  In fact, when you compare and contrast, it seems that everything on my DO NOT BUY list are all the things that my spouse actually wants.  The only crossover item is sleep because, kids. 

Sleep.  The need for a decent night's rest crosses all gender lines when it comes to parenthood, which makes this a universally desired item on every parent's wish list.  I suspect that when my Husband wrote "sleep in" on his Father's Day gift list, he actually meant until after 9am, but there's only so long I can hold my savages off from waking him up.  He better be happy with a 7:30 wake-up call because there's only so long I can keep my children distracted with the Disney Channel and breakfast popsicles.

Sex.  It seems to me that men want to celebrate anything that passes for a Holiday with a romp in the bedclothes.  My husband has actually tried to use Arbor Day as a valid qualifier for obligatory sex.  Obviously when it comes to Father's Day - a Holiday all about him - you're basically going to have to put out.  The only way I can think of to weasel out of sex would be to remind him what your vagina looked liked when you pushed out your children, or to actually be in labor on Father's Day.  Even then, he may have the audacity to ask for a BJ between contractions. 

Gadgets and tools.  My spouse is not a tool guy - he's Jewish, after all - but the man loves a new kitchen gadget more than he may have loved his ex-wife.  While I don't ever want to be gifted with something I'm expected to cook, clean, or actually use, the Hubs wants nothing more than a new smoker and an immersion blender.  Give a non-Jewish father a set of tools and watch his face light up at the prospect of fixing sh*t around the house or building something for his man cave.  I'll never understand why men enjoy gifts that come with the implicit requirement that the receiver must do something productive.  Now if only the stuff they wanted to fix was what you've had on their "Honey Do" list for the last four years.

Sports.  I don't have a spouse who is in to sports - I suspect it's from too many years of actually playing them - but every man I meet wants to spend his Father's Day either watching sports or participating in sports. I sometimes wonder if sports is what passes for foreplay for men. My Husband may not want to watch any sports, but I know that he would be thrilled to have an hour or two to ride his bicycle, alone, to someplace other than the ice cream store.  The closest I want to get to any sports is having a former Olympic Gold Medal wrestler give me a massage. 

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads, Pops, Grandfathers, Step-Dads, and Stepped-up-the-plate Dads.  Here's hoping your day is filled with lots of the things you love.  Just remember to use birth control for all that Holiday nookie or risk having another offspring to support next June.

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