|Don't even think about giving me an electric can opener for Mother's Day.|
1. Parenting books. I don't know if giving a Mother a parenting book is meant to be helpful or a thinly-veiled criticism of her parenting, but whatever the case, the last thing I want for Mother's Day is a reading assignment. I'm sure that The Whole Brain Child is a really fascinating and helpful tome, but I'd like to spend just one day of my life pretending that I don't actually have any children.
2. Sexy lingerie. This is not your anniversary or your husband's birthday, so you have no obligation to perform what passes for kinky sex acts when one has been married for almost ten years. I realize that sex is what made this a relevant holiday in the first place, but that does not mean I'm interested in reliving what's responsible for my being tired, grumpy, and old before my time. I want to put on my ugly Mom pjs without feeling guilty for not being a sex goddess. Also, I may walk around in a clarifying face mask that makes me resemble Hannibal Lector, and you cannot say anything because this is my holiday.
3. Kitchen appliances. Unless the kitchen appliances also come with a new kitchen in a giant house that you have purchased for me, the last thing I want is yet another thing I have to clean or, worse, cook with. I don't care if you purchase the world's most expensive Vitamix, unless it is self-cleaning the only thing I'll be blending in that thing is your head.
4. Workout clothes. Any husband who thinks it's appropriate to purchase his wife workout clothing is about to become an ex-husband. I don't care if your wife is a goddamn marathon runner, buying a woman clothing that is to be used only for working out implicitly says that you think there is something wrong with her current state of fitness. If you dare to give your wife a set of kettel balls, she has universal permission from the female half of the species to beat you to death with them.
5. Something for your kids. Do not ever, under any circumstances, give a Mother something for her children on Mother's Day if you would like to have sex or even normal human interaction with her ever again. Mothers spend every single second of almost every day having to share shit with their children - the bathroom, their breakfast, even their sleep cycle - so for one day a year give Mom something that's just for her. It doesn't have to be expensive, in fact, it can even be handmade or a bouquet of flowers from your garden, but it must be something just for her that she can enjoy without little people grabbing it from her. Honor thy mother simply by giving her the gift of allowing her to pee alone.
If you're looking for some real Mother's Day gift ideas, I'll have my Mother's Day Gift Guide 2016 up on Monday morning, full of stuff so good your Mom won't have to fake her enthusiasm when she unwraps your gift.