Thursday, March 26, 2015

You Need to Get Blown

This is as close as I'll ever get to a Gisele moment.
The year after you have a baby kind of sucks.  Oh sure, you're thrilled that you have a new child, but adjusting to having an infant and not yet feeling like your old self is just...shitty.  Add into the equation the huge hormonal shifts that your body goes through, as well as the physical transformation from "pregnant" to "I still look pregnant" to "where have my boobies gone?", and it can be a real downer.  I'm currently enjoying the fabulous postpartum hair loss stage, wherein all of the hair that you didn't lose during the time you were pregnant begins to fall out in clumps.  Not just a few strands here or there, mind you, but actual handfuls of hair that clog every drain in your house and leave weird hair creatures lurking under your bed liable to scare your Swiffer.  There is nothing sexier than getting your groove on with your spouse and having him end up with a giant fistful of hair.  Real boner killer there, folks.

As if the whole hair loss thing wasn't bad enough, the final gasp of pregnancy hormones leaving your body can make you feel kind of depressed.  I tend to get pretty weepy around the nine month mark, especially since that seems to be when my kids choose to self wean, so at the end of the day I can often be found in my bed sobbing uncontrollably, tossing back placenta pills and watching Pride and Prejudice (the BBC version, natch) on repeat.  Geez, it depresses me just writing about it.

When my hair started falling out again I had half a mind to chop it all off and go back to rocking my Mia Farrow look, but the realization that I am no longer a nubile 22 year old but rather a tired, out of shape 30-something year old dissuaded me from that idea.  However, one night when the Hubs and I were supposed to go out on a hot date and a few clumps of hair combined with my lack of hair styling skillz left me weeping in the bathtub, I knew that I needed to find a way to feel attractive again in spite of my thinning hair and non-existent boobs

I love getting my hair blown out, but the reality of life with two kids is that I can't justify hiring a sitter because I'm inept with a round brush.  I was beginning to despair of ever looking halfway decent again when I was cruising Facebook (i.e. wallowing in self pity) and saw an ad for something called Blow Me.  No, it wasn't my ex-boyfriend looking to traumatize someone new, but rather a service that comes to your house and blows out your hair!  This sounded promising, but I assumed it would cost more than I spent on my last furniture purchase from Craigslist.  Low and behold, it's actually cheaper than going to Drybar!  If you schedule in advance, it's $40 (including tip) for someone to come to your house and transform you from Minivan Mom to MILF.  No cash money is exchanged, it's all charged automatically to your credit card, so your hair stylist extraordinaire shows up at your house, works his or her magic and you just click a button on your phone to reflect that you got your hair did.  It's amazing.  You do have to wash your hair yourself, so I guess if you prefer to have a professional shampoo this isn't the service for you, but I'm totally willing to give myself a scalp massage if it means that I don't have to leave my house.  I've used Blow Me five times over the last year or so, and I've always had a great experience.  The stylists are professional, charming, and put up with me having to take quick breaks for breastfeeding or snack handouting.  I try to schedule my appointments during the kids' nap times so that I can relax and not have to worry about the Muffin Man throwing a fit about not being allowed to play with the hairdresser's blowdryer or the Little Lady eating a tube of leave in conditioner.  It's like Uber for hair, except without the side of kidnapping and sexual assault!

While I would love to be able to use Blow Me every week, my bank account currently hovers closer to "unemployed" than "rich and famous", so I only indulge my blow out cravings for special occasions like birthdays and anniversaries.  I always feel so much better about myself when I have clean, freshly styled hair, which I definitely think is important; especially when one's hairline is beginning to closely resemble that of a completely bald new baby's.

Just in case you were wondering, this is in no way, shape, or form a sponsored post.  I simply want to share my love for Blow Me with you beautiful people.  That being said, I do get a credit if you use my referral code: uFyWghhogU the first time you get glamorous, but you, too, can share the love and reap the rewards once you become a Blow Me convert!

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Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Aunt Flo is Back...with a Vengeance

The first post baby visit from Aunt Flo always takes me by surprise.  You'd think that since this isn't my first time at the childbirth rodeo I would remember what it's like, but I guess the whole selective memory thing applies to unpleasant postpartum events as well as the pain of childbirth.  There are lots of things nobody bothers to tell you about having babies, and that first post baby surf of the crimson wave is definitely one of them.  In an effort to keep you well informed about all of the not-so-sexy aspects of motherhood, I've put together a list of five things to know about your first postpartum period.  

1.  You will not see it coming.  I'd like to gently suggest that you refrain from wearing white pants until you've survived your first post baby cycle, because I guarantee that you will be completely unprepared for Aunt Flo to visit.  There's no telling when she'll show up - it could be anywhere from three months after giving birth to right after you wean your little one.  My period didn't come back until my kids were nursing once a day, but every body is different.  My advice is to make sure you're prepared or risk having to use one of your kid's diapers when you're caught unawares at the local park that doesn't have a bathroom.  Not that it's ever happened to me or anything, but I've heard tell.

2. Does this come in Extra Super Max Absorbancy?  You know that scene in The Shining where the elevator doors open and rivers of blood come gushing out?  That's kind of what your first postpartum period will be like.  Just blood everywhere.  Your bathroom will look like a crime scene from CSI in which the victim's artery was severed.  I honestly do not know how blood gets on the ceiling, but it does and it's probably best if you don't point it out to your significant other.  Oh, I know you thought you bled a lot after you gave birth, but it's like Aunt Flo is making up for not visiting you in over a year and she has no intention of leaving until you have ruined at least six pairs of perfectly nice underwear and several sets of bedsheets.  Of course, by the time your period comes back you've blown through all of the disposable underwear and adult diapers they gave you at the hospital, but they should really provide you with an extra batch for later use.  Sure, they may be bulky and hideous and not fit under any normal clothing, but it's not like you fit into your pre-pregnancy pants yet anyway.   

3.  Holy cramps, Batman.  Remember those menstrual cramps you used to get in middle school, the ones that were so bad that your mom actually let you stay home?  Well they're back.  I know you thought that having bad cramps went the way of your puberty acne and New Kids on the Block mix tapes, but they say that everything comes back into style, and your period cramps don't want to miss out.  I personally think that pushing a small human out of your lady parts should exempt you from ever having to feel pain in your uterus again, but nature disagrees.  Your cramps will be so horrible that you might actually make sounds similar to the ones you made when you were in labor.  Unfortunately, unlike in middle school, you can't call in sick to motherhood.

4.  Does this come in size "I've given birth"?  Things get a little stretched out when you have a baby.  Yeah, it kind of goes back to the way it was before you had kids, but the truth is that it's never quite the same as it was before, especially if you had to get some stitches.  As a result, the feminine hygiene products you purchased before you pushed a small human out of your lady parts might not be as effective as they were prior, and you might have some slight leakage.  I guess this is probably a sign that I should be doing more kegels, but who has the time?  Sure I'd like to stop peeing myself when I laugh, but I don't get a chance to shower every day, so ain't no way I'm devoting any "me" time to vaginal exercises.  I just wear my old pregnancy underwear and throw a pad on there for good measure, because I may be bleeding like I'm still in middle school, but I don't want my pants to broadcast that. 

5.  I DON'T HAVE PMS MOTHERF*CKER!!!!  Yes, yes you do have PMS and it is horrible and you are a raving bitch and no one wants to be around you.  The problem is that you don't realize you have PMS because you are exhausted and you have children and taking care of small humans makes one grumpy.  You will snap at your kids.  You will yell at your husband.  You will probably get into a fight with a stranger at Whole Foods because she's taking too long in the bulk grains section.  You will feel depressed and bloated and headachey and your child constantly needing you will make you want to throw yourself in front of the next moving car.  You will beat yourself up for being a horrible mother and a horrible wife and a horrible friend and then Aunt Flo will blow into town and you'll finally understand why you've been such a bitch.  If anyone gives you a hard time about being just a teensy bit bitchy, remind him in no uncertain terms that you pushed a human being out of your vagina (or had one surgically removed from your uterus).  It's guaranteed to get you off the hook for most bad behavior.

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