Tuesday, July 8, 2014

And Now We Are Four


The Hubby's favorite saying is "if you can't be on time, be early."  Apparently our daughter agrees with him, which I'm sure I'm going to find incredibly annoying when they are both pacing the house waiting for me to finish getting ready.

Rose Kelani
July 5, 2014 
9:42am

Six days before her due date.  No, of course I wasn't ready, in case you were wondering.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Happy Independence Day!

Last year I dressed him like a parade float and he didn't have the ability to complain!
Happy Fourth of July, my lovelies!  I hope you have a wonderful holiday full of delicious things like pie and (spiked) lemonade.

I'm signing off from the blogosphere for a few weeks so I can finish getting ready for Baby Girl and eventually recover from my postpartum fog.  If you don't think you'll be able to live without at least a little something from yours truly, feel free to follow the shenanigans on Instagram or Facebook.

To tide you over, here are a few goodies that caught my eye this week:

Tips to help avoid sibling rivalry (I'm going to need this one).

Easy and delicious chocolate banana bites.

Now that I've read this, I really think Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams are the greatest actors in the world.

A DIY ingrown hair fix that will come in handy once I can actually see my bikini line again.

Women can have it all! (As long as they don't also have kids)

The most amazing gothic cakes.

Why you should read to even a tiny baby.

White jeans are fierce for summer - can't wait to wear mine again soon!

Have a beautiful weekend and I'll see you in a few weeks when I'm sleep-deprived, leaking milk, and still don't fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans!

xoxo

Thursday, July 3, 2014

No More Babies, Please


Well, I'm still pregnant.  The good news is that means you can find my most recent musings on second time pregnancy over at Laughing My Vag Off.  The bad news is that I'm STILL PREGNANT and therefore hot, tired, huge, and unable to do shots of tequila at the Fourth of July party I'll be attending tomorrow.  Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

If you're sticking around town this holiday weekend, be sure and take a jaunt over to Stroller Traffic and check out the fun toddler-friendly activities happening here in the city of concrete and broken dreams.

xoxo

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

What I'm Packin'

The hospital bag is packed!  I was beginning to despair of this ever happening, but I've been feeling a little bit "off" and I figured that was my cue to get my sh*t together just in case Baby Girl decides to make an earlier-than-scheduled appearance.

When I gave birth to the Muffin Man I took enough stuff to the hospital that I could've lived there for at least a month.  Guess how much of it I actually used?  Yeah, just about one percent.  This time around I'm older, wiser, and just plain lazier, so I'm packing light and only taking the absolute necessities.  Just for the record, if someone tells you to bring a book to read, you have my permission to (rudely) laugh in their face.  You will sure as Hell not be reading anything between contractions, and your days of reading for pleasure are so far behind you they can't even be seen with a pair of binoculars.  



Herewith, a list of what you really need when you check in to Casa Labor and Delivery:

1. A bathrobe.  It's cold in the hospital, so it's really nice to have a cuddly robe to wear either during labor or after you give birth.  Trust me, you really don't want everyone on the Labor and Delivery floor checking out your bare-assed pregnancy cellulite while you cruise the hallways making moaning sounds wearing only a hospital gown.

2.  Your own pillow.  Hospital pillows are stiff and uncomfortable and liable to give you a neck ache. Plus you'll be very happy to have something that reminds you of home when you're trying to get comfortable in a hospital bed.

3.  Nightgowns to wear during labor.  This is obviously optional, as the hospital is happy to give you one of their oh-so-flattering smocks, but I personally found that wearing my own nightgown was much more comfortable.  I suggest bringing two, as I got super sweaty the last time and wished that I'd had an extra one to change into.

4.  Socks.  Because the only cold feet I like to have are the metaphorical ones with regard to having a second child.

5.  Sleep mask.  Hospitals have this weird thing where they like to keep the lights on all the time, which makes it hard to sleep.  Get a sleep mask and make use of it.  They'll still come in to wake you up all the time to check your blood pressure and ask you if you're sleeping (really? my snoring wasn't a clue?) but having a mask makes it easier to catch a few much-needed winks.

6. iPad and iPhone (and attendant chargers).  The iPad is a necessity for me because it contains all of my hippie-dippy Hypnobabies music, and you'll want your iPhone for pictures and to let friends and family know once the baby has successfully navigated his or her exit from the birth canal.  Just don't forget to pack the chargers, since iPhones seems to have a shorter battery life than my toddler's attention span.

7. Pajamas for after labor.  You really don't want the first pictures of you and your new kiddo to feature you wearing a heinous hospital gown.  You look bad enough after pushing a human being out of your lady parts, and putting on a fresh pair of your own pajamas really perks you up.  I'm partial to this incredibly soft Eberjey pair, which I wore after Noah arrived.

8. Onesie for Baby.  I love these Kissy Kissy onesies as they are super soft and wash really well (this is a major plus when you have an infant who likes to poop.  ALL THE TIME.)  The hospital will provide you with diapers and blankets and hats and stuff for the baby to wear while you're recuperating, but you do need something to bring the little one home in.  Keep in mind that it can't be one of those infant gowns, because you have to be able to buckle the kid into her carseat, so pick out something with little legs.

9. Leggings and a t-shirt for you.  Here's the cruelest part of childbirth: you still look pregnant even after you've given birth.  It sucks. You'll look marginally less pregnant, but you won't fit into your pre-baby jeans OR your maternity jeans, and you will want to cry.  Leggings are your best friend and will be for at least a month or two.  I'm partial to Splendid's grey camo leggings because they are super comfortable yet also look like you made an effort.  An oversized black t-shirt disguises a post-baby tummy.

10. Nursing bra.  Invest in a good one, because if you plan to breastfeed you'll be wearing these for quite a while.*

11. Tummy wrap.  If you have a desire to someday look halfway decent in a bikini, buy yourself one of these little gems.  They are uncomfortable and make you sweat, but I think that's a small price to pay for not having to wear one piece Mommy bathing suits for the rest of your life.  I plan to strap this baby on just as soon as I'm capable of crawling off of the labor table, because Mommy wants her abs back.

12. Homeopathic remedies: Arnica, Rescue Remedy, Lavender oil.  My incredible Doula, Khefri Riley, tipped me off to these remedies, and I can't imagine not using them.  Giving birth is a workout (hence the name labor).  Arnica pellets will help with any bruising or soreness.  Rescue Remedy helps to calm you down during labor and if you're all jacked up afterwards.  Lavender oil is for the car ride to the hospital to keep you from vomiting all over yourself and your baby bump and your partner.

13. Toiletries: toothbrush, hair band, moisturizer, and lip balm.  Unless you are a Kardashian and People magazine is scheduled to take photos of you after you give birth, you do not need makeup.  You will not have the energy or the desire to put on mascara and eyeshadow and no one expects you to.  You will most definitely want some way to keep your hair out of your face and you'll want to brush your teeth, so be sure to pack those two items at the very least.

14. Cooler.  I'd like to tell you that the cooler is for transporting a jug of very strong margaritas, but it's actually for my placenta.  If you're encapsulating your placenta you need one of these to keep it chilled until it gets delivered to the individual doing your encapsulation.  Don't worry, I promise to clean it with bleach before I use it for our next picnic.

15. Cord Blood Kit.  You never know when you might need some stem cells, so you might as well save your baby's umbilical cord blood.  Order the kit a month or two in advance and don't forget to bring it with you!  Otherwise you are shit out of luck, as this doesn't seem to be an item currently stocked in the hospital gift shop.

16. Gift for Noah.  When the Muffin Man comes to visit his new little sister in the hospital she'll have a special gift just for him.  Hopefully he will not use it as a weapon against her.

*I'm sure some of you first time Moms are wondering why I don't have any underwear on this list and I'm here to tell you that it's because the hospital gives you these disposable ones to use that you will want to take advantage of.  The massive pads that you'll have to wear after birth won't even fit into a pair of normal underwear and no one expects you to be sporting La Perla 24 hours after birth anyway.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Baby On Board

Assuming that Baby Girl doesn't make an early entrance downstage vagina, we're just one week and four days away from my enjoying a very dry martini.  Oh, and you know, having a second child. I still haven't packed my hospital bag or brought in the cradle from the garage or installed the infant carseat or anything, but I've spent an awful lot of time cruising Pinterest for nursery wall decor ideas, so there is that.

I suppose the best part about being a second time parent is that you're much more relaxed about everything.  In my case I didn't think it was possible to be more relaxed about Motherhood without being deceased, but it turns out there's a level of chill beneath even my laissez faire parenting style.  Just imagine how much more cool, calm, and collected I would be if I could still take Xanax! (read: sedated).  

You'll be proud to hear that I am fully and totally committed to the whole natural birth thing again, so I've been practicing my self-hypnosis techniques and taking all these weird homeopathic supplements and drinking bucket loads of Red Raspberry Leaf Tea to tone my uterus (gross, I know) so I'm hoping this kid pretty much just slides out like she's on a ride at Raging Waters.  I was a little bit on the fence a few months ago about going the au natural route, but if you've done it once it seems like kind of a cop out not to do it again.  Anyway, it's incredibly empowering to give birth naturally, it's supposed to be easier the second time around, and they pump you up with pain drugs afterwards, so what's not to like?!  

On that note, I am going to be taking a few weeks off from blogging here at MiM while I recover from pushing a large human out of my lady parts.  If I can get my sh*t together I'll try and have some interesting posts lined up for while I'm away, but considering I can't seem to find the time to shower and finish all my pre-registration hospital paperwork I can't promise anything.  Don't worry, I'm not signing off until the end of this week, so that gives you a few days to get used to the idea of having to survive corporate drudgery without my internet musings.  

And now I'm off to pack my hospital bag... right after I check out what's happening on Pinterest.  

Friday, June 27, 2014

Hello, Weekend!


Happy Friday, my lovelies!  We are in the final two week stretch and Baby Girl could arrive anytime, so I guess that means I really should take the time to pack my hospital bag.  But really, why plan ahead when you can throw a bunch of random crap in a suitcase while you're in labor, am I right?  Needless to say, I plan to spend most of this weekend finishing up my (very long) baby to-do list.  We'll see how well that goes, considering I now get tired just walking up the stairs, so I suspect I'm more likely to be found sitting on my patio chairs drinking sparkling water and bemoaning how much there still is left to do.  What are you up to this glorious summer weekend?

Here are some interesting bits and bobs that caught my eye around the internet lately:


I have fantasies of moving the family to Paris.  Especially if I can live here.  

A wooden map of a favorite city would make such a cool gift.


I'm all about the blueberry coconut smoothie for a mid-morning pick me up.

Apparently, it's possible to look younger without Botox.  (Who knew?!)


I can't wait to read Joan Rivers' new book.

This article made me feel a teeny bit better about having another kid.  

I'll be making some blood orange mojitos just as soon as I evict this kiddo from Casa Uterus.  

Have a great weekend!

xoxo

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Motherhood FAIL of the Week: Clean Up Your Mouth

Vacuums are the in thing with the toddler set.  
We're finally back in our house again post bathroom remodel.  I wish I could tell you that everything has been put away and that Baby Girl's room is ready for her impending arrival, but the sad truth of the matter is that we're living in a fortress of moving boxes, I still haven't found time to unpack our suitcases, and Baby Girl's room is not even close to being complete.  The good news is that our bathroom is wonderful and I'm sure I'll really enjoy using it just as soon as I clear a path to the tub.

While I may not have had a chance to get us fully moved back in, I was forced to do some cleaning here at Casa Lane in order to make our house marginally habitable.  As I'm sure you can imagine, I do not excel at cleaning or other domestic chores, so I'll leave you to imagine just how dirty the house was to have driven me to pick up a dust rag and a vacuum cleaner.  Despite my laissez-faire parenting attitude, I didn't want the Muffin Man sleeping in a bedroom filled with plaster dust and construction detritus, so the first thing I did upon arriving back to the ol' homestead was get to work cleaning his room just enough to tide us over until the professionals (AKA my housekeeper) arrived.  

In the process of my cleaning whirlwind, I discovered that a picture had fallen off of the wall and the glass had shattered.  This is a pain in the ass for two reasons: one, I really don't have the time or energy to deal with going out and finding a new frame for the thing, but two, broken glass goes everywhere.  I essentially had to dismantle Noah's entire room and use every single vacuum cleaner attachment in order to clean up the mess.  Under normal circumstances this wouldn't be such a big deal, but I happen to have a toddler who is OBSESSED with vacuum cleaners.  I don't know how this happened, as it's certainly not because he's watched me use one on more than say, two occasions, but nevertheless if my kid sees something even remotely resembling a canister vacuum he is singularly focused on playing with it.  Obviously, this caused a bit of a problem when I was cleaning his room, as it resulted in his standing in the bedroom doorway, screaming "I want that!" at the top of his lungs while the Hubs held him back.  It was like a scene out of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, let me tell you.  

There's nothing quite like exhaustion and a loud, annoying toddler to wear down one's defenses, so after completing my vacuum tour of the nursery, I gave in and let my son play with his favorite appliance while I finished dusting.  A few minutes later I heard Noah crunching on something.  When I asked Noah what he was eating, he gave me a big grin and opened his mouth to reveal a two inch sliver of glass.  Apparently, some of the glass that I'd picked up in the vacuum hose didn't make it all the way into the body of the vacuum, so of course the Muffin Man dug it out of the hose and decided to see how delicious it tasted!  Because who doesn't love glass as an afternoon pick-me-up?

I managed to keep my cool and extract the glass from my kiddo's gaping maw without causing any injury to either of us.  Shockingly, Noah and the inside of his mouth appear to be unharmed.  I, on the other hand, am having recurring nightmares about him chewing his way through plate glass windows,   and have been unable to find a toddler-proof hiding place for the vacuum cleaner.  

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