Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Who's Your Daddy?

Father's Day humor
 Each year, when Father's Day rolls around, I find myself thinking about the "road not taken" or, as I prefer to call it, "thank goodness I remembered to use birth control when I slept with all those losers."  Do you ever think about that, about what your life would be like if you'd ended up with someone different?  In my Mother's case, that would've spared me a lifetime of therapy working through my daddy issues, but when it comes to my own choice of Baby Daddy, I'm pretty happy.  Nevertheless, I sometimes have one of those "what if" moments.  

What if....

I'd married my first boyfriend?  
When a guy can't remember if you were number 57 or 58 on his conquest list, it's hard to imagine him sticking around for the long haul.  Young love may be sweet, but the last thing I'd want in a husband is a guy with a wandering peen and an endless string of ladies willing to oblige. Sure, he was well-endowed and knew what to do with it, but If I'd taken that road I would've been divorced by twenty-two and facing a future of rooming with my Mother. 

I'd moved in with the questionably gay one?  
I'm sure there are straight men who love musical theater and can quote every lyric to every Rodgers & Hammerstein score ever written, I've just never met one.  This guy liked attending the Gay Pride Parade and wouldn't let up on wanting to try anal "just once".  He claimed he liked women, which he proved to me by boning my roommate.  I'm glad I didn't procreate with him, mainly because it would've been awkward to explain to my kids why Daddy left Mommy for a woman...who he then left for a man.

I'd gotten hitched to the drug addict?  
Drugs and alcohol are awesome...until you have kids.  This guy was the life of the party, and we had a great time together slamming back the shots, hitting the after hours clubs and living the (literal) high life.  I probably would've married this guy if he'd ever been sober enough to ask.  I could've popped out two kids and had enough material for my own Movie of the Week.  But you know what's super not awesome?  Watching Daddy do lines in the living room before you leave for soccer practice.  I already attend Al-anon meetings; I don't want to see my kids there. 

I dated more than my share of losers, but in the end I'm terribly grateful that I didn't end up marrying or (G-d forbid) having a kid with any of them.  I thank my lucky stars every day that I met, married, and procreated with a guy who is not only an amazing Father, but also a loving and caring partner.  This Sunday, I'm looking forward to celebrating Father's Day with the Hubs in a fitting manner: by letting him sleep past 7am, and possibly even giving in to some pity sex.  Oh, and by giving him something from my Father's Day gift guide, of course. 


  1. Good thing I didn't end up with the one who lost his license after his 3rd DUI and sweet-talked me into picking up his "friend" (date) after I picked him up from prison!

    1. Lisa, it sounds like our taste in men was awfully similar...


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