Tuesday, November 10, 2015

The Lazy Mom's Guide to Potty Training


There's only one person in our house wearing diapers, and thankfully it's not my Husband.

That's right, the Muffin Man is officially potty trained.

You want to know what I did?  Nothing, I did absolutely nothing, other than ordering a little potty on Amazon.   I really wasn't all that interested in potty training.  To my mind, it's a Hell of a lot easier to go out and about with a kid in diapers than with one who just might crap himself at any moment.  Do you know how stressful it is to have to follow your kid around asking "do you need to go to the potty" any time you're at someone's house who has nice carpeting?  That's hard alcohol level of stress right there, my friends.

Needless to say I didn't push the toilet thing.  Truth be told, I was too overwhelmed to really focus on potty training, and I've never heard of any kid going to college still wearing diapers.  If there had been some weirdo at college who still wore diapers, changes are I probably would've slept with him.

But I digress.  The point is that I left the potty question up to Noah, and he answered by actually learning to use it.

And so, I present to you, the Lazy Mom's Guide to Potty Training:

1.  Purchase a potty.  Do this sometime after your kid's first birthday.  Show it to him and get excited when he sits on it the first time.  Spend 20 minutes discussing with your spouse how advanced your child is, since he's sitting on the potty at 16 months.

2.  Enjoy that new dust catcher in your bathroom.  Spend the next ten months tripping over the potty every time you walk into the bathroom, while your child refuses to sit on it again.  Kick the potty across the bathroom, breaking both your toe and the bathroom mirror in a particularly bad moment.

3.  Tell your kid that it's time to use the potty every evening before his bath.  He will refuse, but you are too tired to disagree with a willful toddler.  You secretly google "college student still wearing Pampers"

4.  Buy your kid some Batman underwear.  Try not to get discouraged when he puts it on his head and runs around the house like a character from One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.

5.  Continue to encourage potty use before bath time, not because you care if your kid potty trains, but mainly because you want him to sit still long enough for you to scroll through Instagram.

6.  Practically faint when your kid actually does manage to pee and poop in the potty.  You get more excited about your child's bodily functions than you used to when your dealer threw in a free dime bag.  Call everyone you know to tell them about your kid's pooping success, and then realize that your childless friends may not be interested in the bowel movements of a two year old.  Take a moment to wonder at just how far you have fallen when your phone conversations revolve around crap.

7.  Purchase a potty sticker book and put the chart on the bathroom wall.  No, it doesn't go with your fancy Water Works fixtures, but your kid will enjoy adding a sticker each time he goes.

8.  Hang out with older kids who already use the toilet.  Your kid will go in the bathroom with them and stare at them like a creeper, but it will motivate him to learn to use the potty.  Play into this by telling him that his friends don't want to hang out with people who use diapers.  Sure, it might give him a complex, but that's what therapists are for.

9.  Bribe your kid to use the potty by telling him that he can wear his cool superhero underwear if he uses the potty.  Let him sit on the potty as long as necessary by offering books and snacks.  Sure, it's gross to eat on the toilet, but we've all done it... right?

10.  Let your kid wear underwear out and about.  It might not end well, and you will probably need a glass (or two) of wine afterwards, but it proves to your kid that you have faith in him.  It's a good idea to have a stash of extra clothes on hand in case of accidents.  Try not to be too mortified when your child pees himself in the bedding section of Anthropologie.

11.  Keep it up.  Wear underwear more than diapers.  Try not to get annoyed at the sound of your voice asking your kid "do you need to go potty?"  You will quickly learn the signs of your kid needing to go and when it's time to drop everything and run for the closest toilet.  You will also learn every store within a 10 mile radius of your neighborhood that has a public bathroom.

12.  Buy a Potette.  I guarantee you that at some point your kid will scream "I need to go potty!" while you're on the open road, and you will be so glad to have this little portable toilet set up in the trunk of your car.  It also unfolds for use as a child-sized toilet seat, which is really invauable until your kid is an advanced pottier accustomed to navigating adult sized toilets.

13.  Rejoice that your kid is no longer wearing diapers (except at night).  Mentally calculate all the money you'll save on diapers, and how many bottles of wine and pedicures that will purchase.  Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

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