Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Baby (Stuff) on Board


I just registered for a breast pump.  Let me say that again in case you missed it the first time, I just registered for a breast pump.  Prior to becoming pregnant, the last things I added to my Amazon wish list were 50 Shades of Grey and How to Mix the Perfect Cocktail.  Dear God, what has become of me?  I have spent much of the past several days registering for strange gadgets on Amazon.com that are  “must haves” when one has a baby.  Apparently, you actually do need more than a few diapers, a couple of onesies and your boobs once baby arrives.
I am not one of these women whose bedside table is piled with pregnancy and motherhood books.  In fact, had it not been for my Mother sending me Amazon boxes full of parenting books, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have read anything pertaining to baby care at all.  What can I say, I find House Beautiful just a tiny bit more fascinating than reading about diapering and sore nipple care.  So imagine my distress when a friend asked me where I was registered.  I was tempted to tell her just to get me a case of Belvedere at BevMo (to enjoy after the birth), but then I thought better of it.  Which is how I found myself at Buy Buy Baby surrounded by stuff I’ve never heard of, accompanied by my Mother.  Buy Buy Baby is the Bed Bath and Beyond of baby crap.  Imagine a store, several football fields in size, stocked floor to ceiling with stuff I supposedly need for my soon-to-arrive offspring.  Now couple this super-sized baby supply hell with an emotionally unstable pregnant woman prone to anxiety and her Mother who hasn’t bought baby supplies since Staying Alive was number one on the pop charts and the Harvey Wallbanger was the cocktail of choice.
As my Mother cruised around the store commenting on how many wonderful things have been invented since I was born in the Mesozoic age, I followed behind, attempting to use my self-hypnosis techniques to avoid having a panic attack and/or causing gross bodily harm to my Mother or myself with a bottle cleaning brush.  Eventually one of the salespeople noticed the homicidal maniac look on my face and took us under his wing.  After explaining that he himself has five kids (I was tempted to give him the condoms I still carry in my wallet, but I figured it was too late at this point), he walked us through the store and pointed out all the things that I really did need to purchase if I didn’t want to have my child taken away by the Department of Children and Family Services.  I test drove strollers, I learned how to fasten a kid in a car seat, and I even got to try on a Boppy and a My Breast Friend pillow!  Several hours later we left the store with a list of all the necessary stuff, and a bag full of cute baby clothes that my Mother couldn’t resist purchasing.
As I sat at my computer this afternoon registering for all the baby gear we’d picked out, I couldn’t help but be grateful to that salesman at Buy Buy Baby.  I’m pretty sure if he hadn’t shown up not only would I have dissolved into tears in the rocking chair section, but I probably would be planning to let my kid sleep in a dresser drawer instead of the nifty bassinet I picked out.  Which makes me feel really guilty for registering at Amazon.  But, hey, their prices are better and they have free shipping.

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