Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Practical Parenting Classes

5 parenting classes you actually need
Skip the gym class and sign-up for something practical instead. 
When you have a baby, everyone urges you to attend classes.  From Mommy & Me, to Baby Sign Language, to Infant Massage, the list is endless.  Personally, I think most of the classes are a waste of time and money.  If you have lots of cash to spare and need some adult interaction, by all means, sign up for whatever you damn want, but by the time your kid learns how to say "more" in sign language, he'll most likely be able to actually say more, like with his voice.

That being said, there are a few classes that I think would be helpful for first time parents:

One Handed Parenting.  If there is a particular skill that parents need to master for their own survival, it's doing everything with one hand.  Topics covered in this class would include: cooking dinner while holding a baby; driving a car while entertaining a child in the backseat; and how to fold laundry using only your teeth.

No hygiene, no problem.  Parents often don't get a chance to shower regularly, so this class would teach valuable short-cut grooming skills like which natural deodorants are the most effective at covering up body odor, how to best style greasy hair, and which cosmetics look fresh even after having been slept in.  I would assume that this would be a very popular class for sleep deprived, full time working parents attempting to appear professional despite not having been within shouting distance of a shampoo bottle for nigh on a week.

Phone home.  It is parenting law that your children will most need your attention when you are on an important business call.  This seminar will be invaluable for parents who work out of the home, as it will instruct students on effective use of their phone's mute button, the best places to hide from needy children, and TV shows guaranteed to occupy your offspring until your conference call concludes.

Negotiating with terrorists.  While it may currently be U.S. policy not to negotiate with terrorists, as parents you will find yourselves negotiating with tiny, irrational, narcissistic dictators on a daily, if not hourly basis.  This class will be taught by an ex-marine who has experience working with volatile individuals, and who understands the psychological damage that can be inflicted by crazy people who will not stop until they get what they want.

Diaper changing without borders.  There will be many times in your parenting career when you will be forced to change a diapers in strange, possibly unsanitary conditions.  This class will teach new parents how to quickly and efficiently remove, clean, and re-diaper a squirming child under any circumstances.  From the trunk change, to the stroller swap, to the gas station giddyap, this course will cover it all.  Students will also learn and practice related contortionist poses required to change diapers under these battlefield conditions.  Please note that Diaper Changing Without Borders will have an additional cost due to the various local points of interest participants will have to visit. 

I'm pretty sure that One Handed Parenting class would've been much more useful than the Mommy & Me Classes I took, but I guess it's possible knowing all the verses to Bim Bom will come in super handy someday. 


No comments:

Post a Comment