Tuesday, March 1, 2016

All I Want for My Birthday is Sleep

what moms really want
Super exciting birthday celebration plan: sleep
I'm definitely getting old: I've gotten to that stage in my life where the only thing I want for my birthday is sleep.  Okay, and maybe a little bit of Botox. 

The Hubs didn't get me Botox this year because he says I'm naturally beautiful (which just goes to show you that he is going blind in his old age) but he did get me sleep; by booking us in for a night at a hotel. 

As I sat on the terrace of our hotel room enjoying a glass of wine, gazing at the stars, and savoring the silence, I realized how much my birthday celebrations have changed since those days of wine and roses I like to refer to as "my 20's".

Birthdays, then:
Throw a rager.  Invite every single person you've ever met to celebrate your birthday.  Of course all the people from your acting class, as well as your drycleaner, and your car mechanic would want to celebrate the occasion of your 25th year.  Like these people have something better to do on a Wednesday night other than drink cocktails at some fancy bar in Hollywood?  Puh-lease.

Buy a fancy outfit.  Who cares if you only made $83 this month doing some extra work on Gossip Girl?  It's your birthday, and that means you need deserve a new dress.  Money is no object when you have 30 days to pay and Mastercard is footing the bill!  You buy yourself something you cannot in the least afford, that's probably covered in some sort of sequin, and that you very likely will never wear again.

Stay out all night.  If you're not drunk or high enough to hit up an after hours club, then you have not properly celebrated your day of birth.  The birthday party isn't over until the sun comes up and you and your real friends stumble into the local diner for a plate of greasy hashbrowns and a glass of hair o' the dog.  If you don't carry a pair of sunglasses in your evening bag, you are an amateur. 

Sexy times.  It's not a birthday unless someone is getting laid, and hopefully that someone is you.

Birthdays, Now:
Party no-hearty. The only party you plan on attending is the slumber party happening in your bed.  The one person invited to this party is you and possibly your spouse.  Even if you wanted to invite people to your party you no longer have any friends because you have children and they have ruined your social life.

Black tie very optional. No need to get dressed up for this party because you're wearing pajamas and you are not leaving your bedroom.  Throw on your favorite sleepwear and think about all the money you're saving by staying in.

Ain't nobody with kids staying out all night.  This party ends at 9pm, and anybody who is not on board with that end time can sleep on the couch downstairs (ahem, spouse).  Thanks to your children you often get to stay up all night due to fevers, vomiting, teething, your kids generally being an all around pain in the ass, and the last thing you want to do on your birthday is stay up all night.  If you are awake to see the sunrise you have done this birthday thing wrong and you deserve a do over.

Sex?  Is this some kind of joke?  I want to sleep.  That is not a euphemism for sex.  I am being completely f*cking serious here, people.  I don't want to waste my special child-free birthday time having sex.  Do you know what happens when you have sex?  Children.  Children happen when you have sex and they are the whole reason you need to leave home to get a decent night's sleep in the first place.  


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