Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Forget This

Sleep regressions are hilarious!
They say that you lose a percentage of brain cells every time you have a child, and based on how many times a day I misplace my keys I think this is definitely true.  It's purely a case of survival of the species; if you did remember every little thing about childbirth and parenting, you would never, ever have another kid.

I'm constantly amazed at how little I actually do remember, especially since there wasn't a long stretch of years between the Muffin Man's baby years and the Little Lady's first months of life.  Chalk it up to sleep deprivation or permanent Mom brain, but it's almost as though I have no recollection of Noah's first year of life.  In fact, I've found myself turning to my Husband an an almost weekly basis and saying, "Oh yeah, I completely forgot about this."

The grunting newborn.  Apparently not every baby does this, but both of my kids grunted in their sleep.  I'm not talking about soft, cuddly little whimpers, but loud, 80-year-old-man-trying-to-poop sounds.  And it wasn't just once or twice a night, but all night long.  Which would be fine if this small, grunting human wasn't sleeping right next to you.  It's usually caused by gas or reflux and yes, your baby will grow out of it, but not before you are so exhausted that you fall asleep standing up in the shower.

So many sleep regressions.  Just when you think your kid has mastered the whole sleeping thing, it's time for another developmental milestone that's guaranteed to F up your sleep schedule.  Have an infant who's finally sleeping longer than two hours at a time?  Enjoy it, because she's sure to be back to her old sleepless tricks right around four months.  Your one year old is sleeping through the night and you no longer feel like a Zombie?  Don't worry, you'll be back to your sleep deprived self thanks to teething and/or starting to walk.  Even when you think the worst of it is behind you, you're sure to get hit with night terrors or the stomach flu or him being convinced that monsters live under his bed.  Exhaustion is a parent's permanent state of being, and I suggest you invest in a coffee maker that automatically brews your morning elixir before the sun rises (trust me, you'll need it).

Throwing food.  Gravity is fascinating, especially when combined with how thrilling it is to watch your parents repeatedly pick up half-eaten food stuffs.  One of the more popular moves for newbie eaters is to sweep everything from their high chair onto the dining room rug.  Don't bother picking up whatever gets thrown on the floor, as it only encourages your kid's use of food for pitching practice.  This stage does pass, though not before you find yourself sobbing over your ruined rug.
Pro tip: invest in an indoor/outdoor rug for your eating area and save that vintage kilim for when the kids are older. 

When no means yes.  This is truly one of the most annoying stages of which I had no memory.  There's a period of time when your kid is old enough to do dangerous and/or annoying stuff, but not quite old enough to understand the concept of no.  During this period you will have to repeatedly remove your child from various life threatening activities that she persists in doing over and over and over again.  You will find this annoying and exhausting, and your child will find it hilarious.  She will probably laugh hysterically while you lose your shit because she's attempting to climb out the window for the sixth time in five minutes.  This too shall pass, and then your kid will become a toddler who does understand the word no but does it anyway just to f*ck with you and see if you really do follow through on that whole "no TV for a week" threat.

The biter.  I'm pretty sure every kid has a biting phase.  This does not mean that your child is going to be a preschool bully or that he is going to be labeled a biter and not invited to any playdates.  If your kid is a young toddler and doesn't yet have the words to express herself, there's a very good chance that she is going to bite you or her sibling if she gets angry.  Biting hurts and yes, I do have a scar on my upper arm from a previous incident involving a 15 month old Noah, but the good news is that most kids stop biting once they have a more evolved vocabulary.  If your kid doesn't stop this behavior, you can always try the Teeth are Not for Biting book, or simply comfort yourself with the knowledge that he will one day appeal to a woman of the Fifty Shades of Grey variety.

The boob man.  I don't know if this is only a thing with kids who are breastfed, but both of my children have, at one time or another, been obsessed with feeling me up.  I guess they take after their Father?  It's been quite some time since Rose has used me as a food source, but at any random moment, specifically during inopportune times, she will just reach right down my shirt and grab one of those pancake-like appendages that used to be my perky boobs.  She has no shame and I am entirely sure that I have inadvertently flashed quite a few checkers at my local Trader Joe's.  I'm sure she'll grow out of it and then she'll do what her brother does when she sees me naked: point, laugh and tell me I look funny.

Come to think of it, maybe it's good that the only thing I can remember these days is my name and my address.

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