Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Five Things Not to Say to a Preschool Reject

Well, it's official: we are preschool rejects.  The last school we were waiting to hear from has joined the ranks in turning down the Lane Family from their roster.  In addition to the stress of having to start this whole preschool nonsense over again at whatever school I can rustle up that still has space in the fall, I'm having traumatic flashbacks to my days as a high school loser.  I've already had three emergency sessions with my therapist, and that's just today.

I'm still figuring out what our plan is for next year, but until then, I've put together a very helpful little list of Five Things Never to Say to a Preschool Reject:

1. He's awfully young to go to school.  Oh, I didn't realize that you had received a PhD in early childhood development since we talked yesterday!  I'll be sure and tell the Secretary of Education that someone who has a BFA in photography (with a minor in French), thinks two and a half is too young to go to school, because I'm sure he will really take your opinion into consideration and tell you to go f*ck yourself.  

2. It will be amazing to have him home with you for another year.  I totally agree!  Especially since you're planning to come over every day and keep him occupied while all of his friends are at school.  What's that?  You're not offering to babysit every day?  Oh.  Well then you're right, it will be amazing to have a three year old little boy and his toddler sister at home with me every day...amazingly horrible.  Nothing sounds less fun than spending seven days a week with my two kids fighting over toys and not allowing me the time to take a shower.  I'll be sure and send you the bill for my resulting inpatient psychiatric stay so you can see just how "amazing" it was. 

3. Can't you just sign him up for the neighborhood nursery school?  No, because much like the mythical unicorn, this "neighborhood school" does not exist.  I know that back in the 1970's, when you were last in the preschool game, this was how things were done, but the times have changed.  In addition to there no longer being neighborhood nursery schools for all of the kids living on Pleasantville Lane, teachers are not allowed to chain smoke around the students and schools don't serve Tang for snack.  Now go take your TaB on a long walk off of a short pier. 

4.  Los Angeles is horrible.  You really need to move.  That's a fantastic idea!  It makes total sense for us to pack up all of our worldly belongings and move somewhere new where we have no jobs because who needs income?  Not us!  We can live on love and peanut butter and see where the day takes us!  I'm sure our kids will find it thrilling to live out of our old Toyota SUV while we figure it all out!

5.  It won't kill you to drive to preschool in Ventura/San Francisco/Alaska every day!  You need to be more flexible.  Thanks for the tip, person who has full time childcare and a driver and whose kid goes to school two blocks away.  I'm sure that my kids will really enjoy waking up at 5:30am so that we can sit in traffic for three hours to get to school!  I know that the Little Lady will be thrilled to nap in her carseat instead of her crib everyday and that there's no way it will negatively impact her night sleep whatsoever.  And my freelance writing work will be ever-so-easy to complete while driving back and forth across the length of the great state of California.  What a manageable solution, thank you! 

Unless you have an actual, realistic, solution - like you'll be footing the bill for a full time nanny  - don't say anything; especially if your kid got into your first choice school.  Heck, I'm thrilled for you.  And I plan on asking you to write us a recommendation to that school just as soon as they start accepting applications for the 2016-2017 school year. 

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