Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Motherhood FAIL of the Week: Clean Up Your Mouth

Vacuums are the in thing with the toddler set.  
We're finally back in our house again post bathroom remodel.  I wish I could tell you that everything has been put away and that Baby Girl's room is ready for her impending arrival, but the sad truth of the matter is that we're living in a fortress of moving boxes, I still haven't found time to unpack our suitcases, and Baby Girl's room is not even close to being complete.  The good news is that our bathroom is wonderful and I'm sure I'll really enjoy using it just as soon as I clear a path to the tub.

While I may not have had a chance to get us fully moved back in, I was forced to do some cleaning here at Casa Lane in order to make our house marginally habitable.  As I'm sure you can imagine, I do not excel at cleaning or other domestic chores, so I'll leave you to imagine just how dirty the house was to have driven me to pick up a dust rag and a vacuum cleaner.  Despite my laissez-faire parenting attitude, I didn't want the Muffin Man sleeping in a bedroom filled with plaster dust and construction detritus, so the first thing I did upon arriving back to the ol' homestead was get to work cleaning his room just enough to tide us over until the professionals (AKA my housekeeper) arrived.  

In the process of my cleaning whirlwind, I discovered that a picture had fallen off of the wall and the glass had shattered.  This is a pain in the ass for two reasons: one, I really don't have the time or energy to deal with going out and finding a new frame for the thing, but two, broken glass goes everywhere.  I essentially had to dismantle Noah's entire room and use every single vacuum cleaner attachment in order to clean up the mess.  Under normal circumstances this wouldn't be such a big deal, but I happen to have a toddler who is OBSESSED with vacuum cleaners.  I don't know how this happened, as it's certainly not because he's watched me use one on more than say, two occasions, but nevertheless if my kid sees something even remotely resembling a canister vacuum he is singularly focused on playing with it.  Obviously, this caused a bit of a problem when I was cleaning his room, as it resulted in his standing in the bedroom doorway, screaming "I want that!" at the top of his lungs while the Hubs held him back.  It was like a scene out of One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, let me tell you.  

There's nothing quite like exhaustion and a loud, annoying toddler to wear down one's defenses, so after completing my vacuum tour of the nursery, I gave in and let my son play with his favorite appliance while I finished dusting.  A few minutes later I heard Noah crunching on something.  When I asked Noah what he was eating, he gave me a big grin and opened his mouth to reveal a two inch sliver of glass.  Apparently, some of the glass that I'd picked up in the vacuum hose didn't make it all the way into the body of the vacuum, so of course the Muffin Man dug it out of the hose and decided to see how delicious it tasted!  Because who doesn't love glass as an afternoon pick-me-up?

I managed to keep my cool and extract the glass from my kiddo's gaping maw without causing any injury to either of us.  Shockingly, Noah and the inside of his mouth appear to be unharmed.  I, on the other hand, am having recurring nightmares about him chewing his way through plate glass windows,   and have been unable to find a toddler-proof hiding place for the vacuum cleaner.  

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