Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Motherhood FAIL of the Week: Power Play

I've recently come to the conclusion that there is "babyproofing" and then there's "Noah proofing".  While at first glance there appear to be all these amazing products on the market designed specifically to protect the Muffin Man from falling bookshelves, electrocution and getting into the cleaning supply cabinet, it turns out that my son is smarter than the average toddler and has figured out ways to work around most of these mechanisms.

As you know, we weren't exactly the earliest adaptors of the whole babyproofing thing, but I honestly don't think that my laziness and cheapness are entirely to blame for my son's ability to pursue certain death through multiple layers of plastic.  As is the case with most toddlers, Noah has been obsessed with plugs and power cords since he first began to crawl.  If there was an open socket he was drawn to it like I used to be towards men who are losers.  Since we live in a "charming" (read: old and dumpy) duplex, we only have about three sockets for the whole house, and each is filled with a fire hazard of extension cords, power strips, and plug expanders.  When the babyproofers came and did their walk through they helpfully pointed out that I needed to put everything on power strips and then encase them in this nifty plastic thing that hides all the sockets on the strip.  This seemed like an excellent and very doable solution to my power-loving child problem, so I promptly went out to my local DIY spot and spent a fortune on the strips and accompanying covers.  Once I got all of my loot home I pawned the kiddo off on the Hubby and spent the better part of a weekend afternoon putting giant, hideous plastic boxes full of cords all over my house.  It was an easy fix and one that I was sure would keep Noah from turning himself into a crispy critter while my back was turned.

My child is a very determined little dude.  If he wants something he will do his damnedest to get his hands on it no matter what.  If I'd had even one tenth of his singular focus in terms of my career I probably would be sunning myself by my infinity pool in Bora Bora instead of boring strangers with stories of my bad parenting online, but c'est la vie.  No more than 24 hours after my babyproofing adventures, I discovered my son sitting in the dining room calmly pulling the power strip plug out of the wall socket and trying to put it back in.  Oh, sure, the little plastic box had stopped him from sticking his fingers into the outlets on the surge protectors, but it had completely failed to address the issue of his trying to get access to the original source of the electrical action!  I confess that for a split second I was actually kind of proud of my kid for outsmarting the babyproofing people, but then I came to my senses and realized that his new unplugging skill meant that I would never, ever be able to use the bathroom again while he was awake and that I had essentially wasted a hundred bucks on a bunch of ugly plastic boxes.  I pried the power cord out of Noah's vice grip, for which I was rewarded with a kick in the leg and a twenty-minute tantrum, ultimately a small price to pay in return for his not electrocuting himself.

So we continue to live in the Duplex of Toddler Death and I spend every waking minute hovering over my son in order to keep him from finding yet another way to taunt The Grim Reaper.  In the meantime I'm seriously considering either wearing adult diapers or stopping drinking liquids altogether just to eliminate any serious injury or death while Mommy goes pee pee.

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