When you have a baby, you get a lot of crap. It’s well-intentioned crap – cute
outfits, lots of baby socks – but the stuff that you really need, the things
that will actually improve your quality of life once you bring baby home, are rarely
gifted at baby showers. Don’t get
me wrong, I am unbelievably grateful for everything I was given, but after we brought
the Muffin Man home from the hospital I found myself spending quite a lot of time on Amazon
ordering the things I really needed.
Heretofore I’ve compiled a list of the five completely necessary items
to have on hand when you bring your sweet little screaming, pooping,
not-sleeping bundle of joy home.
1. Swaddles. A friend of mine, whose hand-me-downs have saved my ass more
times than I can count, gave me two of the Swaddle
Me velcro swaddle thingies. I
didn’t really understand their purpose initially, so I shoved them in the back
of a drawer and forgot about them.
After we brought the little man home from the hospital and found
ourselves struggling to swaddle the kiddo with a regular blanket in the middle
of the night, I remembered that I had the swaddles stashed away. Despite the fact that The Happiest Baby on the Block guy makes
swaddling look so easy, it’s not, especially when you’re sleep deprived
and trying to do it in the middle of the night. Do yourself a favor and buy a case of these swaddle
things. You cannot have enough of
them, especially because newborns like to pee through everything and you will
probably have to change their swaddle at least once every night. Don’t be a slave to your washing
machine like I was, buy enough for a week (which means 10 to
12).
2. A Breast Feeding
Pillow. There is a lot of
division on this issue. Some women
like the Boppy, others the My Breast Friend. I personally found the My Breast Friend too hard and not easy
to get into, but I loved my Boppy. If you’re planning to breastfeed you
need one of these pillows. You
will absolutely have terrible neck and shoulder pain from hunching over to feed
your baby, and while the Boppy
doesn’t stop that from happening it does at least keep you from doing permanent
damage and turning into the Hunch Mother of Hancock Park. Buy one of each, and return the one
that doesn’t work for you. I
thought I would like the My Breast Friend,
but once I got home and discovered that trying to hold a screaming infant while
velcroing myself into a giant pillow wasn’t the easiest task in the world, I
exchanged it for the Boppy. If you have it in your budget, buy an
extra one. I ended up dragging
mine from room to room like I was Linus with his blankie, until my
aforementioned friend saved my butt again and gave me her spare one.
3. An Activity Chair. We have lots of swings. In fact, we have three. Unfortunately, the Muffin Man hates
swings. What he does love is this
vibrating chair that looks like a monkey, plays annoying music, and lights
up. This item will change your
life. Unlike a large, cumbersome swing,
this little number can be carried from room to room with one hand (a major plus
once you have a baby). This chair
will occupy your child while you take a shower, make yourself a cup of coffee,
or even prepare a meal. When Noah
was really little he would sit in the chair but he didn’t really interact with
it. Now that he’s older he LOVES
it. He laughs at the music and he
kicks at the toys hanging from the activity bar. This chair is solely responsible for the fact that I have
not been cited by DCFS for raising my child in squalor, as it keeps Noah busy
long enough for me to do dishes and laundry.
4. An Activity Bar
for the car seat. The Muffin
Man hates the car seat. I’m pretty
sure that to him it feels like he’s being interned at Guantanamo every time
he’s put into it. You would not
believe the ear piercing screams that one child can emit when buckled into this
hated contraption. Prior to
getting the activity bar, most of my car rides were accompanied by the sound of
one baby screaming. Considering
that in Los Angeles it can take 45 minutes to drive one mile because of the
traffic, this really curbed my ability to get out and about. Two weeks ago, my Mother brought this
fantastic little string of plastic toys that you velcro to the car seat
handle. I was skeptical, but low
and behold this stupid little plastic mirror and a tube full of plastic beads
keeps the Muffin Man from wailing the minute I even walk towards the car
seat. He gets tired of the toys eventually,
but usually not before the movement of the car puts him to sleep. I’m thinking it just might be time for
a family road trip to Las Vegas.
5.
Diapers. Honestly, you cannot have enough diapers when you have a
newborn. People told me that we
would go through a case of diapers in a week, but I didn’t believe them. Well, folks, they were not lying. We went through almost two hundred
diapers in two and a half weeks.
Seriously. I’ve never been
very good at math, so I guess when people told me you have to change a
newborn’s diapers every two hours I didn’t multiply correctly or something, but
that’s 12 or more diapers a day.
Make sure you have a giant case of diapers on hand, or sign up for
diaper delivery from
Amazon or
The Honest Company or
Diapers.com. You will not regret this little
indulgence. Trust me, the last
thing you want to do is get into your car and drive to Target to buy diapers
when you’re a walking zombie.
Heck, my lady parts were swollen and sore for so many weeks I could
barely walk to the bathroom let alone drive myself and my screaming newborn
somewhere.
The first six weeks of parenthood are the hardest. Your life is completely turned upside
down and you have no freaking clue what you’re doing. But it does get easier. In a short amount of time you will be able to change a
diaper without opening your eyes, bathe your child efficiently and without fear
that you may inadvertently drown him, and you will learn to function on just a
few hours sleep. I’m sure that my
inept parenting has permanently damaged my son, but at least it’ll be a few
years before he has the verbal skills to tell me about it.
