Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Motherhood FAIL of the Week: It's Hair Raising

My hair is falling out in clumps.  This happens to be yet another one of the glamorous side effects of pregnancy, in addition to saggy boobs and never wanting to have sex again.  The hair situation is really getting out of hand; I currently have my plumber on speed dial, since I've clogged up the drain three times in the last month.  I do my best to pick up any stray clumps of hair I come across, and I assumed that the vacuum cleaner was sucking up any strands that made it into the rugs.  Monday afternoon the Muffin Man was playing in his room, chewing on some sort of organic wooden toy, while I was putting away laundry and rocking out to the Baby Goes New Wave version of Tainted Love.  All of the sudden, while I had my head buried in a drawer full of second hand shorts, I heard Noah making choking sounds.  I quickly sprung into action, cracking my head on an open dresser drawer in my haste to reach him before he choked to death.  I couldn't imagine what he was choking on.  Why, just last week I sorted through all of his toys to make sure nothing with lead paint or choking hazards remained in his toy basket!  Could a button have fallen off of my pants and made its way into his windpipe?  Had one of my Forever 21 beaded necklaces come apart only to end up in my son's mouth?  Just when I was about to commence hitting Noah on the back with enough force to dislodge whatever death apparatus he'd gotten his hands on, he started coughing, and proceeded to spit out a clump of hair.  Upon closer examination I noticed that the hair was long and "blonde" and probably hadn't been brushed in several days (weeks? months?!).  Somehow, my son found one of my hairy DNA samples in his rug, decided he just had to see how it tasted, and promptly choked on the offending clump of hair.  Thanks to my marginal housekeeping skills, my child actually coughed up a hairball.  I'm just thankful that he didn't sustain any real damage from this choking incident, other than whatever psychological harm it may have caused.  I'm sure someday he'll pay a therapist thousands of dollars to examine why it is he only dates women with short hair.

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