Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Motherhood FAIL of the Week


It's been brought to my attention that a number of my newer readers are laboring (no pun intended) under the mistaken impression that I am not a neurotic, overwhelmed mess. Let me assure you that I am completely and totally frazzled, exhausted, and out of my element every single second of every day.  While I only post one failure each week I can guarantee that I have at least one failure each day, and I spend several hours of the day berating myself for being a terrible Mother whose son is sure to be forced to spend millions on therapy due to my shortcomings. So please, ladies. Go easy on yourselves. Motherhood is freakin' hard.  By sharing my own experiences and neuroses it's my hope that other Mommies won't judge themselves so harshly. We all struggle.  None of us are perfect, but we're just doing the best we can on an hour by hour basis. If you had a chance to take a shower today or eat lunch or wear an outfit that matches, give yourself a pat on the back. Because not only did you manage to take care of a small and helpless human being but you also found a few minutes to care for yourself, and that shit ain't easy.  So I dedicate this week's failure to Lauren: lady, I screw it all up daily.  The artisanal cocktails are just my reward for managing to keep myself and my son alive for another day. Keep on keepin' on, sister.

As I've mentioned before, we're entering the world of solid foods now that the Muffin Man is six months old.  Because I'm a dirty hippie I plan to make all of Noah's baby food with fresh, organic produce from either the farmers market or my garden. I happen to have a bumper crop of apples this year, so I figured a great use for them would be in applesauce for Noah.  Applesauce is insanely easy to make - just wash the apples, cut them in half, throw them in a pot with some water and cook them until they are soft and mushy. After they cool, put them through a food mill or a ricer to get rid of all the seeds and the skins and then enjoy a Martha Stewart moment while you admire your handy work. I made a big batch of applesauce and started feeding it to Noah for breakfast and dinner. He loved it, which I was thrilled by, because he has hated everything else we've tried. His revulsion for carrots was so intense that he actually batted the spoon away so hard that I got a carrot face mask. I couldn't believe how much applesauce the kid was scarfing down. A full bowl of the stuff in the morning and at night?  Amazing!  When I told my Mother about Noah's applesauce diet she pointed out that applesauce happens to be what you give to babies when they have the runs. Yet again, I've been stuffing my kid full of a food stuff that causes constipation.  So, of course, Noah hasn't pooped for three days and now he just sits around grunting all the time and sounding like my 85 year old father-in-law.  I know there's a giant poop explosion in my future (hopefully today) which is the perfect continuation of my shitty week. I tried to give him some prunes this morning, but true to form he hated those too, and refused to open his mouth when I attempted to feed him. So I guess I'll just have to let nature run its course, though I do hope his colon clears out soon, because it's a little disconcerting feeling like I'm sleeping next door to my father-in-law. 

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