Thursday, June 13, 2013

MILF



My current goal in life is to be a MILF.  I suppose this sounds terribly shallow, but now that I’m no longer young enough to be considered a “hot young thing”, this whole MILF thing is the level to which I’ve lowered my standards.  I may be a Mother, but that doesn’t mean I want to look like one. 

Prior to giving birth to the Muffin Man I didn’t put a whole lot of time or energy into personal grooming rituals, other than a standing monthly waxing appointment to deal with my unibrow.  I suppose this laissez faire attitude towards hairstyling and deodorant can be blamed on my Berkeley upbringing, but now that I have a legitimate excuse to look like a wreck, I don’t want to.  I’m terrified that one day I will find myself driving a minivan, wearing jeans with pleats, and listening to light rock.  I seriously have nightmares about this.  So, for the first time in my life I’m putting some effort into my appearance.  Most women subscribe to Parents magazine once they have a child, but not me.  I got myself a subscription to Vogue, because there is no reason I can’t look fashionable even while covered in regurgitated breast milk.

I think my new obsession with looking hot and fashionable is some sort of Post Traumatic Stress reaction to pregnancy.  I hated being pregnant.  Despite the fact that I looked pretty good while gestating a human, I felt as large as a house and as attractive as a girl with headgear at the senior prom.  Pregnancy made me feel as though I’d been invaded by an alien, and I couldn’t wait to give birth so that I could return to some version of my former self.  Ironically enough, it took pushing a human out of my vagina to get me to wear a miniskirt.  Being pregnant made me finally, finally appreciate my body, and I couldn’t wait to have it back. 

I’m actually thankful to my son for giving me the kick in the ass I’ve always needed to put some thought into how I look.  Sure, some days it’s difficult to find the time to shower and put on clothes that don’t make me look like a homeless person, but I always feel so much better about myself when I make the effort.  Plus, it’s damn satisfying when construction workers whistle me at.  Go ahead, call me a MILF.  I’ll thank you for it.  

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